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Me and My Sister Raped by Our Baby Sitter for 3 Years

Our babysitter pretty much raised my sister and me (twins). She was more of a parental figure in our life than our mother at times. She was a familiar face since we were like five, and we had a good relationship with her. We adored her, and she smothered us in love and affection. She took us to parks, museums, playdates and everything in between. She was there for every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and birthday (even when our mother often wasn't). Which only makes this more complicated and more fucked up. She also sexually abused us. It's hard to say when it started, the earliest memory of it was when I was 9, but my sister says she remembers it starting when we were 8. We'll probably never know for sure.

At any rate, between the ages of 9 (or 8), till we were almost 13, she abused us. Gradually, as time passed, she slowly groomed us to be her sexual playthings. By the time I was twelve, I was familiar with penetrative toys, vibrators, and restraints the world over. We didn't enjoy it. But we didn't resist either. How could we? We were kids, and it took us years to understand what was happening. And when we started putting up some resistance around the age of 11, it was all in vain. It was comparable to arguing or fighting a parent. We just couldn't win. I never learned to enjoy it. Even when reflecting on it as a lesbian now, I still am disgusted with the memory. It makes me angry and, at times, causes me physical discomfort. I still have nightmares of our babysitter, and it will forever haunt me. And one of the worse parts is that she got away with it. It ended when our mom sent us to boarding school. That's what it took to make it stop. The girl had us enthralled and was in complete control. There was absolutely nothing we could do to make it stop. It would never have ended if we had remained in relative proximity to her.

But the thing that disgusts me more than anything... is the part I enjoyed. After our sessions, she would cuddle us. I like cuddling. When I reflect on her holding me against her breasts, it brings back memories of safety, security and happiness. Even now, embraceing of my partner's breasts makes me feel happy.

I don't know why I enjoyed that. She fucking abused and used us. She exploited our trust and ignorance and took advantage of us for fucking years. And for some goddamn reason, that memory, that sensation of ease, I enjoy... and I hate myself for it.

It often makes me break out in tears. I don't know why this sensation makes me happy, and it's frustrating. I can't escape her to this day, and I don't know why. I just want her memory to fade so I can fucking enjoy myself without being reminded of her.

I can do anything with my girlfriend (even toys, though it took a lot of warming up to get used to them), but the moment we start cuddling, I start thinking of our babysitter, which frustrates me. I like being cuddled, but I don't want to remember our babysitter, and I especially don't want to feel that sensation of safety around her ever again.

This whole situation still angers me to this day. Someone I trusted so much, someone I looked up to, treated like family... they were, in reality, a total fucking monster. And I just don't get it. She cared about us, bought us presents, and made our childhood what it was, yet she was so ready and willing to take advantage of that trust. I just want her memory to go away so I can finally enjoy myself and my partner without her touch creeping into my head.

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